Not Today

Anxiety be damned, I have been paralyzed for days in regards to work. I have completed absolutely nothing of substance at work. I posted on facebook that I have anxiety and I asked for help. The response was crazy, the number of my friends that deal with anxiety is huge. I had no idea, why don't I know this about my friends? Because no one talks about it as it is part of mental illness that is like so many other forms of mental illness, invisible. I have heard people say, they are anxious and even talk about medications. I was one of the people that had no idea, no idea how debilitating it is. The physical reactions are terrifying. I am a six foot brown dyke, I generally don't have a lot of fears, per se. Over the past several weeks, I have cried myself to sleep, woke myself up from crying in my sleep. I cry in my office at work and I can say that I am irrationally angry because of the fear. No one likes to be scared, I know I don't. Fuck me. 
This morning I woke up with a slow heartbeat, I am not crying and I woke up because I have a plan in my head. This is what I am used to being. It feels good, I miss it, gawd, I like me, a lot.
So fuck you anxiety, you had my last few weeks but not today.