?

My all time favourite question I have have been asked was by an American while I was Memphis, Tennessee. A white gentleman, (presumable on both) asked me "Are you one of them American Indians?" To which I answered, No, actually I am from Canada, and I smiled.  He smirked and went on about how never really knew an Indian but he was pretty sure 'They' were good people. I nodded and smiled as my taxi pulled up and I jumped in.
I wish I had stood at that bus depot longer and conversed with him because he appeared harmless and maybe it's a morbid fascination or whatever you want to call it, I like to engage in these types of conversations. I do not antagonize or insult, unless I am having a bad day. I like to let them say what they feel compelled to say to me and a lot of times, if you give them enough time, they bring it around to apologizing to me. I don't have to say anything.
That question was a few years ago, more recent ones I have gotten are:

-How Native are you?
When this one is asked, I always reply with, in what sense do you mean? How much do I see or relate myself to Native culture and such? or Do you qualify my Nativeness according to government standards...

-Why don't you live on a Reserve?  Isn't it cheaper and beneficial for you?
The fact that I work in downtown Vancouver and my reserve is 14 hour drive from here...not really beneficial to commute, hey? Also, I can't just go live on someone elses reserve, there are rules!

-Do you consider yourself 2-spirited?
2-spirited is a word a bunch of straight folks made up to describe gay people. I like the word Gay...It has a nicer ring to it for me.

-Do you know my old class mate from the other side of the country because he is Native too?
Ha! Classic small minded question that I will just leave alone for you to think about.

Fear and loathing

Okay, my rant for the day is actually about #BLM and the lack of speaking out against all of the racist hostility in Saskatchewan. I have patiently wait for the movement that I have stood behind since its inception 2 years ago in Missouri. What happened to #solidarity and we are in this fight together? I wait for a post, anything that says they sympathize...*crickets*
My friends...I wait for all of the reach outs I received when #orlando happened. Even though when that happened I had to have the continuous conversation of how I am a brown person first and foremost. 
This particular incident is by far the closest to my heart, to my being, my existence.
Yet nothing.
A few random shares from the usual suspects but nothing that #BLM ignited in people that see me everyday, that have me in their homes. People I consider friends and look to for support. Everyday, the visceral pain I feel as I read the news about Colten and how so many people support the farmer and feel they are vindicate in their spewing of hate.
I have to admit that I will do 2 posts around the same time. One related to the shooting and one random funny or non political one. And guess which one garners likes and and discussion. Not the one I dearly want people to discuss. Am I testing? Damn rights I am. Call it what you will, I am pissed and I am hurting and I am extremely scared. Scared for my family, for my friends in the street, for any Aboriginal that is alive.
Racial tension is not new and I live it everyday. I could go into a million examples of discrimination I have faced in my life time.

All I want is acknowledgement this is reality. This is not happening in a distant land. This happens right here on Canadian soil. This happens to people that are already beaten down. This happens All around you and it just feels like you would rather fight a battle that is not in your face. I am here, in your face, fearing for my life.

Sitting in my office, king of the castle but still have to show up on a beautiful day because even kings have budgetary constraints that do not allow for more head count. Living the life of a salaried employee.

My Whiteness

I have never considered myself white nor have I ever been mistaken for white. I do however live in a very white privilege world. I can hold my own within this world, maybe because I do not speak with an accent or I have a friendly face.
Geography, I live in the city, a city that is far from my home so to make it I have had to adapt. I also work in a predominately white male field which I somehow have found my niche.
I have had comments like "interesting, you don't look Native" or "are you one of them American Indians?" that one was a winner because I was in the States and at a bar with my co-workers. who, themselves didn't know what to say to that.
I am not sure when I started walking into a room and feeling the need for acceptance, I know how to make people feel comfortable with me, with my pigment. I think I have learnt over the years how to read a room, who is going to be a challenge and if I am willing to put in the effort. I know that sounds weird, why put in the effort if they judge me before meeting me? I don't actually think a lot of people realize that their biases are right out in the open and some don't even realize that they are really biased. I can usually tell pretty quickly if I am dealing with actual prejudice or just misconceptions?(looking for a better word) This is probably the most likely reason I can adapt in almost any environment. My ability to gauge a room, a group of people and how to sometimes keep my head down if I need to.
anyways, i don't remember what my point was..I will come back

My connection

Missing Aboriginal Men.

After my incident and lots of pondering on the what if's, I thought of my missing cousin, Lester Sampson, in Hazelton.  It will be a Year in August that he went missing.  August 25th 2015, last seen talking to a woman on a picnic table. He was an extreme creature of habit, you could set your clock to his routine. He hated being away from home as he was a bit of a hermit. Growing up on a Reserve in rural British Columbia will do that to you. 

What I am thinking about is missing men and how they go missing. August in the North is Mushroom picking season. Many many unfamiliar faces on the roads and in the stores. Many people driving around in the back roads that you do not recognize because they are drawn in by the money made. If you are a good mushroomer and the prices are right, you can make a nice little nest egg for the winter. But the reality is these people are strangers.

I am not saying he was murdered but that the possibility is there. It is another reminder that we are in a complacent culture, Oh well...another missing Aboriginal Man 

I think about my aunties and cousins back home and how they are barely coping, because no closure can happen when we don't know what happened or where he is. 

Missing Aboriginal Women..girls..young friends.

My friend Lana Derrick was last seen hitchhiking back to Burns Lake after spending Thanksgiving weekend at home in Terrace with family and friends. This was in 1995. She had done it so many times before and was a pretty confident woman. This was over 20 years ago and her family still do not have answers. When I go home, I still make it a point to stop in and say hello to Lana's mom. I take my daughter to meet her and understand the grief that never goes away. I don't do it guilt my daughter but to teach her that we are a people that are over looked and treated like second and third class citizens. The pain that is still in a mothers eyes...it is heart wrenching. 

These are the things that come to mind when I experience racism. I think about my friends that live on the streets, the vulnerable native men, women and the kids, that at anytime, could disappear. I talk to the people on the streets, many know my name and I ask when I don't see someone for awhile. I have been appreciative that their location is usually known by someone. and if not, I see them and it sets my mind at ease.

anyways, that's what is currently on my mind.

Staying Safe

I am 5'11, hefty dyke. In the past this has served me well in the sense that most people would not mess with me when walking down a poorly lit street. This appears to no longer be the case. The racist world is getting bolder. I forgot to mention that I am Native so I present as a large native man, especially from behind. I know how I present to the general public so I have always taken it upon myself to smile or make sure to give them a wide berth when I see a woman take note of me, they always do the double take and pull their purses close. Not even joking.

I recently had a friend show concern for me when I walked home one night.  I have always, always defended my actions with I present as a large Native man and that was her actual concern. I present as a brown man. This is where the danger lies. I am always hyper aware of myself and my environment. I have to be, I never assume someone passing me on the street is friend, I will cross a street to avoid passing directly beside someone. (As a side note? this is very exhausting)

Yesterday, in the early evening, not even dark and I was in my own neighbourhood. Safe right? Nope. I had 2 men in a van slowly following me in a van while I walked down my alley, I didn't think too much of it, since I was almost home. I turned onto my path and heard them yelling at me, "hey hey!" so I took my headphones off and responded "yes?" The driver leaned across the passenger and yelled, "Buddy, do you even leave here?" I said "I do, what's it to ya?" "Oh, Okay" His friend laughed and rolled up the window while they sped off. Now this may sound innocuous to you but when I replayed the events leading up to that encounter in my head, they turned down the alley right after I did. They slowly followed me, and at one point I had turned as I always do when walking down a narrow alleyway and saw them parked. So when I got to my lane, they had to have sped down to catch me before I got to my door. 

This is what scared me. I assumed they lived there, they do not. they purposefully followed me down an alley way. They were to rather large men and I am a woman of colour and they assumed that I owed them an answer. Would if I was cutting down that alley to save time?  Would if I wasn't actually on my property and I was visiting a friend? Would if I was actually an aboriginal MAN and not a girl which they quickly realized when I replied to them. 

So many would ifs, I know but as someone that no longer feels safe with how the Trumps of the world are giving racists influence to show their beliefs up front and center. Would if??

Mortal

This morning I received news that a friend of mine had a heart attack. We are approximately the same age and she is having open heart surgery as I type this. I am feeling especially mortal at the moment while I wait for word that all went well.
I have recently lost my birth mother, my last uncle months before and my dad before that.  I am at an age where I attend more funerals than weddings.  I am feeling it today.

All about timing

I have been living in chaos for months and months, which came to a head recently. It brought me to a place where I questioned my friendships, my drinking and what support I need. I started Therapy, cut back on my drinking and developed new friendships that are filling a need that has been neglected for far too long. Last night my birth mother passed away. We did not have a relationship, I barely knew her and I made no effort to try but neither did she. I went for a park date with a very good and very insightful friend this afternoon. She tells me that life is strange in the sense that I have recently built up this amazing support network and I can lean on it as much as I need to. She also says that if this was 6 months ago, pre-amazing support, I wasn't in therapy, I would have just gotten drunk and stayed drunk for 6 weeks and wouldn't shed a tear.
I am in a place that crying is abundant, more than I have ever done. I don't want to drink while I am sad because I need to feel everything right now. I have a therapist that I can call anytime if I need to. I also have a group of wonderful people that all made an effort to see me even just for a hug.
I am angry because I was going to start talking about the roots of some of my issues in Therapy and now they are gone. I think this is extremely unfair and I am pissed off.

Not Today

Anxiety be damned, I have been paralyzed for days in regards to work. I have completed absolutely nothing of substance at work. I posted on facebook that I have anxiety and I asked for help. The response was crazy, the number of my friends that deal with anxiety is huge. I had no idea, why don't I know this about my friends? Because no one talks about it as it is part of mental illness that is like so many other forms of mental illness, invisible. I have heard people say, they are anxious and even talk about medications. I was one of the people that had no idea, no idea how debilitating it is. The physical reactions are terrifying. I am a six foot brown dyke, I generally don't have a lot of fears, per se. Over the past several weeks, I have cried myself to sleep, woke myself up from crying in my sleep. I cry in my office at work and I can say that I am irrationally angry because of the fear. No one likes to be scared, I know I don't. Fuck me. 
This morning I woke up with a slow heartbeat, I am not crying and I woke up because I have a plan in my head. This is what I am used to being. It feels good, I miss it, gawd, I like me, a lot.
So fuck you anxiety, you had my last few weeks but not today.

Fairing well

Today, I am semi normal. I saw a Councillor yesterday and holy shit, did she ever put what is going on into perspective. I realize that I am fairing pretty well considering the chaotic world I am immersed in at the moment. She gave me a copy of the notes taken during the session, that is new to me. The only caveat on that is she said not to read it before bed. I may start a binder...I can make it a coffee table book for everyone to read and critic, to get a glimpse into my life since I can't open up to them face to face. When I am having a bad day, I can pull this binder out and without saying a word slap it down on the coffee table and think of where I have been or have come from. Read the goals and list of things that is supposed to bring me tranquility and maybe even try to achieve a few. Reality is, I will probably save all of these notes and hide them away until 10-15 years from now, I find them in a move and think to myself, 'Ah, remember that time you had a fucking melt down? Glad that is over'

She gave me homework, to think about what Quiet and Safety mean to me.

Coming to a head

No sleep lastnight leads to anxiety today. I tried to book an appointment with a therapist but cannot see me until late next month. I need to see someone now. Made a call to a registered social worker and after having a 15 minute consult with me on the phone, she felt I should come in tomorrow. Now, is it good or bad that they have space available on such short notice or is it under the guise of an emergency. Whatever it is, I am grateful to see someone right away. 

Okay, what Am I doing?

It's 3am and I am wide awake again. I can't turn my mind off. What am I missing?

Feeling old and Embracing it

Okay, so today I signed up for a drop in boxing class for beginners. I do not exercise, nor do I do cardio as a cardinal rule. Call me lazy if you will, I accept that. I signed up for this because I have tried to go to the gym and it never ever works. I go 1,2 maybe 3 times then I quit. I am in work hell, company is up for sale for the 4th time since I have been with them. On top of that, our office has been under renovation for weeks and I recently moved due to a renoviction.  All stressful and I need a release, so boxing it is.
Boxing has been a lot more prevalent in my life as East Vancouver where I live has these fund raising events that have servers and bartenders learning to box then have a main event of a few rounds in the ring with each other.  I have witnessed the change in some of the people that serve me everyday and I ask them about what they are getting out of it. A common theme of stress relief and punching stuff as one of the best releases.
So I signed up. I do not have high expectations of me becoming a size of a supermodel or the six pack of a body builder. This is all about the release for me.
I took the class and thought I was going to throw up, die, then throw up again.
The punching was way more pleasing than I thought it would be. It is something, I can not explain. Punching a bag is direct, all energy, force, whatever focused on a single target and when you smash the bag, it hurts but feels amazing. You need to try it. I can't even describe it and give it justice.
I am hooked.

My Debris

I need a beer...

but I'll take a hug...