Staying Safe

I am 5'11, hefty dyke. In the past this has served me well in the sense that most people would not mess with me when walking down a poorly lit street. This appears to no longer be the case. The racist world is getting bolder. I forgot to mention that I am Native so I present as a large native man, especially from behind. I know how I present to the general public so I have always taken it upon myself to smile or make sure to give them a wide berth when I see a woman take note of me, they always do the double take and pull their purses close. Not even joking.

I recently had a friend show concern for me when I walked home one night.  I have always, always defended my actions with I present as a large Native man and that was her actual concern. I present as a brown man. This is where the danger lies. I am always hyper aware of myself and my environment. I have to be, I never assume someone passing me on the street is friend, I will cross a street to avoid passing directly beside someone. (As a side note? this is very exhausting)

Yesterday, in the early evening, not even dark and I was in my own neighbourhood. Safe right? Nope. I had 2 men in a van slowly following me in a van while I walked down my alley, I didn't think too much of it, since I was almost home. I turned onto my path and heard them yelling at me, "hey hey!" so I took my headphones off and responded "yes?" The driver leaned across the passenger and yelled, "Buddy, do you even leave here?" I said "I do, what's it to ya?" "Oh, Okay" His friend laughed and rolled up the window while they sped off. Now this may sound innocuous to you but when I replayed the events leading up to that encounter in my head, they turned down the alley right after I did. They slowly followed me, and at one point I had turned as I always do when walking down a narrow alleyway and saw them parked. So when I got to my lane, they had to have sped down to catch me before I got to my door. 

This is what scared me. I assumed they lived there, they do not. they purposefully followed me down an alley way. They were to rather large men and I am a woman of colour and they assumed that I owed them an answer. Would if I was cutting down that alley to save time?  Would if I wasn't actually on my property and I was visiting a friend? Would if I was actually an aboriginal MAN and not a girl which they quickly realized when I replied to them. 

So many would ifs, I know but as someone that no longer feels safe with how the Trumps of the world are giving racists influence to show their beliefs up front and center. Would if??